My Shepherd's Voice

After my husband’s accident that left him with traumatic brain injury (TBI), I took care of him off and on for four years. I say “off and on” because he was in a hospital plus rehab for about 3 months, then home, he spent 6 months at a brain injury facility, then home, 2 stays in a psychiatric hospital, then home, 9 months in a state hospital and then to an assisted living/memory care facility where he resides now. 

When he was at home, I was on call 24/7. I had very supportive family that did what they could, but basically he was my responsibility. If you are a full-time caregiver for someone who needs help with all of their ADLs, (Activities of Daily Living – bathing, toileting, eating, transferring, etc.) you understand what that means.  While my husband, Mike, could eat and walk, the damage to his brain caused him to gorge on his food which could cause choking and overeating. He was also prone to escaping out the door and heading toward the highway when I was busy elsewhere. The slightest thing could cause anxiety and uncontrollable behavior. I lived in a state of hyper-vigilance. 

Many people were praying for his healing and my strength and perseverance. Our Pastor and the deacons laid hands on Mike, anointed him with oil and prayed over him. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for Mike’s healing. God did bring about a lot of healing. Mike learned to walk again, to feed himself and swallow properly; however, at this point God has said no to a complete healing. 

Over the years, at the suggestion of different people, I’ve tried everything from large amounts of fish oil, to the use of essential oils, praying and playing CDs of healing scripture, plus alternative treatments. We moved in with my parents, then my brother and still nothing changed. I was tired and often at my wits end, but still trusting that God had a plan for us and God continued to sustain me. 

At the end of 2015, while Mike was having an alternative treatment session, I had a strong impression that said “This is who Mike is now.” I took a couple of months to ponder the statement and seek the Lord to be sure it was His voice before cancelling further treatment and stopping the almost 4 years of striving to make him better. The Lord gave me peace and calmness in just letting Mike live his new normal. He gave me peace in knowing that it was time to allow Mike to settle into life and routine at the memory care facility. 

Recently, a family friend stopped by and inquired about Mike. He told me that his family and church are praying for Mike’s healing. He then told me about a healer that comes to town occasionally and asked if I would consider taking Mike to him. All sorts of thoughts and questions ran through my mind, but I did not completely dismiss the idea. 

After he left, I felt unsettled in my spirit and discussed the conversation with family members. Later that week, I went to see my counselor. We talked about how God can use people to touch and heal, how God can heal without using people, and how it may not be God’s will to heal. Sometimes God has a different plan and desire from our own and He knows what will bring the most glory to Himself and how He plans to use the situation for His greater good which we may never know or fully understand.  We talked about how much peace I was given when I accepted the statement “This is who Mike is now.” We talked about knowing God’s voice and being obedient to it. 

I have never really been a confident person. I struggle with making decisions, like to have other people’s input and am prone to second guess my decisions. I am a peacemaker, don’t like conflict and want everyone to be happy. So when others give me suggestions and they are very sure and confident that it will work, I feel pressured and don’t want to let them down. Add into the mix that a lot of my decisions over the last four years have been for my husband and not for me, and it becomes doubly difficult. What would Mike do? Would he be comfortable with this? That’s when I have to rely on the still small voice of the Holy Spirit speaking to me about our situation and what God wants for us.

The morning after my counseling session, during my morning time with the Lord, I read the following:

John 10:3-4

“He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice.”

John 10:14

“I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me…”

We are His sheep.

I sat quietly and asked the Lord to tell me what I needed to hear from those verses. What I sensed was that He wanted me to take His words to heart. I am His sheep. He calls me by name. He goes ahead of me. I follow Him because I know His voice. He is the good shepherd. He knows me and I know Him.  

For the first time, I finally got it. Jesus talks to me in my situation. I know it is His voice because He is my shepherd. This is an actual promise from Jesus to me. He says I will know His voice because I am His sheep. When I second guess, I’m actually second guessing Him. I know I am following Him, so I can be confident that I’m hearing His voice. When He told me “Mike is who he is”, I had great peace. A greater peace than had been mine for a very long time.

So when someone who does not know the entire story, but sees that Mike is still not in his right mind and believes God wants him to be healed by a healer, I can thank them kindly, but not start second guessing again. That is not from my Shepherd. He gives peace and if at some point He decides to heal Mike, then He will miraculously do so or He will let me know what to do. I will know it is from Him because it will come with peace and not turmoil. I am His sheep. I know His voice. What a revelation! I can be confident! I can know without a shadow of a doubt!  Thank you, Jesus! 

I share this story with you, in the hopes that as you are approached by well-meaning individuals, that you will pause, seek the Lord in prayer and by reading His word to find out what His will is for you and your loved one. Never feel pressured to do something that disturbs your spirit. If unsure, seek Godly counsel.

TIP: Listen to the Good Shepherd

A Young Gentleman

Happy cats.

“Would you like me to put that cat food in your car?” said the kind young man. “That would be wonderful!" I replied. Then just like that he had the 30 lb. bag in the back of my car. I was very grateful. “Thank you so much! You’ve done a Good Samaritan deed today.” I said enthusiastically. The young man smiled a bit shyly, yet looked pleased that he had been helpful.  I continued to unload my grocery cart while I smiled and marveled at the gentlemanly act.

In today’s world, it takes courage to offer help. It’s sad to say that, but it really does. A woman might be offended that a man thinks she can’t handle the bag; someone else may be threatened by a stranger invading their personal space and may think they have ulterior motives. I, on the other hand, was thrilled.  I was tired from working in the vegetable and flower gardens, my back ached, and I really didn’t want to wrestle with that bag. Maybe my tiredness showed, or maybe he’s had a good example and training at home, or simply enjoys looking for ways to help others. Whatever the reason, he truly gave me an unexpected and pleasant gift. I believe we both drove away with a bit more joy than we had previously. I know I did.

I John 3:11, 17-18

"For this is the message that you have heard from

the beginning, that we should love one another. 

But if anyone has the world's goods and sees his brother in need,

yet closes his heart against him, how does God's love abide in him?

Little children, let us not love in word or talk but in deed and in truth."

Tip: We can actually rob someone else of joy if we don't allow them to assist us.

From Despair to Joy

The view when an elephant is on your chest.
It's hard to see a way around it.

There are times when despair grabs me by the throat and threatens to strangle me. Even loose clothing feels too tight, an elephant takes up residence on my chest and what is that stabbing me between my shoulder blades? Most of the time I can pinpoint what has brought on the anxiety or despair, but there are times when it strikes out of nowhere. I can feel like I am about to lose my mind. That at any moment, my marbles are all going to go skittering across the floor and I won’t be able to gather them back together. Ever felt that way?

 I recently had one of these episodes complete with a one-person pity party, crying and Kleenex. I was talking with God, pleading my case, begging Him to do something. All was quiet. Too quiet. The next day was busy, with despair lurking and threatening, but half hidden under to-do tasks.  By afternoon; however, it came out of hiding dragging the elephant with it. I grabbed my Bible and retreated to the porch. It was time to do serious battle and I needed the sword of the Spirit.

Ephesians 6:16-18a

In all circumstances take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming darts of the evil one; and take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God, praying at all times in the Spirit, with all prayer and supplication.

Even though I was reading the Bible every day, the “evil one” was shooting flaming darts that were starting to break through and sting. My shield of faith needed reinforcing. My mind needed to stop focusing on the things that were bothering me and focus on the Lord and His word and promises. The thief desires to steal, kill and destroy (John 10:10). God desires to give peace.

Isaiah 26:3

You keep him in perfect peace

whose mind is stayed on you,

because he trusts in you.

After my time in the Word of God, I felt somewhat better, but keep in mind that feelings are fickle things. We must believe His Word to be true and act on that truth. It takes determination to set our minds on the things of God, instead of feelings, in order to persevere on the path He has placed us on. A path that may not be one we would voluntarily have chosen, yet a path that has surprising joys along the way. Joys that cannot be explained apart from God’s Holy Spirit giving them to us for no apparent reason except that He wants to bring us joy.

That is what I experienced the day after wielding His sword. No circumstances had changed, in fact, a tense situation occurred. Yet, in my inner being there was a true sense of calmness and peace plus a joy that kept bubbling up in my chest and spreading across my face. There was lightness in my step and no elephants or despair in sight. God’s word changed my despair to joy. 

(BTW - Elephants are my favorite animal, but they are mighty heavy!)

If you find yourself in despair with crushing weights holding you down and taking your breath away, turn to Jesus. Grab your Bible or use a Bible app on your phone and crawl out from under the load by the Word of God. He alone can give you perfect peace and joy that worldly cares and struggles can never take away.

Tip:  Start your day with a good dose of God’s Word.

        Take extra doses as needed.

Photos courtesy of pixabay.

Trauma Doesn’t Knock

In my experience, trauma doesn’t knock on the door and ask permission to come in. It barges in unaware and catches us off guard and unprepared. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a phone call in the middle of the night, police or military officers at the front door, a sudden illness, or an accident, if permission to invade our lives had been requested we would have said a resounding “No!” Trauma is not something we put on our calendars or wish lists. Yet, it arrives anyway.

Trauma came to my husband and me over four years ago in the form of an accident that left him with disabling traumatic brain injury. I was not involved in the accident, but trauma came to me in a different form and wasn’t full blown until months later. Google defines trauma as “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience”. Our entire way of life changed in an instant. I was not prepared.

As his caregiver, I muddled my way through the unfamiliar road of tragedy with wonderful support from family, friends, and our church families.  My greatest source of strength was and is the Lord Jesus Christ. I am absolutely certain that I would have had a nervous breakdown had it not been for my Savior carrying me through those extremely trying days, months, and years.

I’ve learned a lot in the past 4 years and am still learning, but have jotted down a few ideas that either did help me or would have helped me during that time. I share them now with you in the hopes that if you find yourself face to face with an unexpected trauma, you will be more prepared than I was when it disrupted our lives.

When trauma hits:

1.  The most important advice I can give is to cry out to God for help first. If you do not know Jesus, I suggest that you locate a Bible and be open to hearing what He has to say to you. The book of John is a good place to start. I know for a fact that His promises are true for He has strengthened me and been with me no matter what has happened. Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

2.  Call family and friends. Allow them to help you, to drive you to and from the hospital, buy you lunch, maybe you have children, elderly parents, or pets that they can assist in some way. Lots of people want to help, but don’t know how unless you tell them. Whatever you need – don’t be afraid to ask.

3. Get a notebook (or 2) with different sections and start writing down the following items as soon as possible. Try to enter information daily. Date each entry. Continue even after you go home. I wish I had.

Ø People – Write the names of nurses, doctors, therapists, CNAs, Med techs, receptionists, EMTs, law officers, case workers, insurance reps, visitors, maintenance & housekeeping personnel, etc. Ask for business cards. It may be a long haul and getting to know those working in the hospital makes life more pleasant for all. (They will likely become your bright spots.)

Ø Medication – Make columns as follows: Date, prescribing doctor, name of medication, what it’s for, dosage (mg & frequency), date started, date stopped.

Ø  Questions – Jot down questions to ask the doctor, nurse, therapists, etc. before you forget so that you are ready when they pass through. If you want to see x-rays, MRIs, CT scans, ask. Have them explained. There is no dumb question. (In my experience, it was the nurses who were the greatest source of information. They really knew what was going on with my husband - get to know them, show interest in them and be grateful for all they do. Kindness goes a long way.)

Ø  Journal – Record brief highlights of the day both for the patient and the caregiver. How are you/they doing physically? Spiritually? Emotionally? What are each of you feeling? What progress was made? What joy?

Ø  To-do list – List things to do on the way home from the hospital, things that need to be done at home or at church, make a grocery list, include items needed for your loved one and yourself. Who do you need to call? Also list things for you to do to unwind and relax (i.e. read, nap, garden, watch a movie, walk, long soak in a warm bubble bath, lunch with a friend, etc.)

Same notebook or make a second one:

v Scripture - Read a Bible verse or several every day. Make a note of something that encouraged or challenged you.

v Thankfulness – Find at least one thing to be thankful for every day.

v Prayer – Have a section for your own requests, one for your loved one (the patient), and one for others. You’ll meet lots of hurting people. Praying for others lightens the weight of our own trauma and pain.

v Food, Drink & Exercise – This might surprise you, but it’s important. Ask yourself if you (& the patient, if possible) have drunk enough water. What did you eat today? Be sensible. In order to be a strong caregiver, you must eat well and stay hydrated, plus walk around as you are able. My husband was on the 6^th floor for a while so at least once a day I walked up and down the 100+ steps up to his room. Good cardio.

4.   Set up a blog or CaringBridge site – If this sounds like too much, just set up a group email list or ask a friend to create one of the above for you. Come up with some way to keep family and friends informed so that you do not have to repeat yourself umpteen times. There will always be a few people that you’ll want to share with personally, but it can be exhausting to relay the same information over and over and over. The added benefit is that you will have a record of the major events during this time. A friend set up CaringBridge for me the second day we were in the hospital. About nine months later I switched to a blog. If you are sitting in the hospital for long hours, bring your laptop or tablet, it is a good way to pass the time and keep others informed.

No one wants to go through a traumatic event. No one. However the reality is that lots of us do. I hope these suggestions will prove beneficial if you find yourself invaded by trauma. My desire is to use our experience to help others. How can I help you?

Tip: Remember - You don't have to be alone. God's invitation is awaiting a response.