My Shepherd's Voice

After my husband’s accident that left him with traumatic brain injury (TBI), I took care of him off and on for four years. I say “off and on” because he was in a hospital plus rehab for about 3 months, then home, he spent 6 months at a brain injury facility, then home, 2 stays in a psychiatric hospital, then home, 9 months in a state hospital and then to an assisted living/memory care facility where he resides now. 

When he was at home, I was on call 24/7. I had very supportive family that did what they could, but basically he was my responsibility. If you are a full-time caregiver for someone who needs help with all of their ADLs, (Activities of Daily Living – bathing, toileting, eating, transferring, etc.) you understand what that means.  While my husband, Mike, could eat and walk, the damage to his brain caused him to gorge on his food which could cause choking and overeating. He was also prone to escaping out the door and heading toward the highway when I was busy elsewhere. The slightest thing could cause anxiety and uncontrollable behavior. I lived in a state of hyper-vigilance. 

Many people were praying for his healing and my strength and perseverance. Our Pastor and the deacons laid hands on Mike, anointed him with oil and prayed over him. I have prayed and prayed and prayed for Mike’s healing. God did bring about a lot of healing. Mike learned to walk again, to feed himself and swallow properly; however, at this point God has said no to a complete healing. 

Over the years, at the suggestion of different people, I’ve tried everything from large amounts of fish oil, to the use of essential oils, praying and playing CDs of healing scripture, plus alternative treatments. We moved in with my parents, then my brother and still nothing changed. I was tired and often at my wits end, but still trusting that God had a plan for us and God continued to sustain me. 

At the end of 2015, while Mike was having an alternative treatment session, I had a strong impression that said “This is who Mike is now.” I took a couple of months to ponder the statement and seek the Lord to be sure it was His voice before cancelling further treatment and stopping the almost 4 years of striving to make him better. The Lord gave me peace and calmness in just letting Mike live his new normal. He gave me peace in knowing that it was time to allow Mike to settle into life and routine at the memory care facility. 

Recently, a family friend stopped by and inquired about Mike. He told me that his family and church are praying for Mike’s healing. He then told me about a healer that comes to town occasionally and asked if I would consider taking Mike to him. All sorts of thoughts and questions ran through my mind, but I did not completely dismiss the idea. 

After he left, I felt unsettled in my spirit and discussed the conversation with family members. Later that week, I went to see my counselor. We talked about how God can use people to touch and heal, how God can heal without using people, and how it may not be God’s will to heal. Sometimes God has a different plan and desire from our own and He knows what will bring the most glory to Himself and how He plans to use the situation for His greater good which we may never know or fully understand.  We talked about how much peace I was given when I accepted the statement “This is who Mike is now.” We talked about knowing God’s voice and being obedient to it. 

I have never really been a confident person. I struggle with making decisions, like to have other people’s input and am prone to second guess my decisions. I am a peacemaker, don’t like conflict and want everyone to be happy. So when others give me suggestions and they are very sure and confident that it will work, I feel pressured and don’t want to let them down. Add into the mix that a lot of my decisions over the last four years have been for my husband and not for me, and it becomes doubly difficult. What would Mike do? Would he be comfortable with this? That’s when I have to rely on the still small voice of the Holy Spirit speaking to me about our situation and what God wants for us.

The morning after my counseling session, during my morning time with the Lord, I read the following:

John 10:3-4

“He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice.”

John 10:14

“I am the good shepherd; I know my sheep and my sheep know me…”

We are His sheep.

I sat quietly and asked the Lord to tell me what I needed to hear from those verses. What I sensed was that He wanted me to take His words to heart. I am His sheep. He calls me by name. He goes ahead of me. I follow Him because I know His voice. He is the good shepherd. He knows me and I know Him.  

For the first time, I finally got it. Jesus talks to me in my situation. I know it is His voice because He is my shepherd. This is an actual promise from Jesus to me. He says I will know His voice because I am His sheep. When I second guess, I’m actually second guessing Him. I know I am following Him, so I can be confident that I’m hearing His voice. When He told me “Mike is who he is”, I had great peace. A greater peace than had been mine for a very long time.

So when someone who does not know the entire story, but sees that Mike is still not in his right mind and believes God wants him to be healed by a healer, I can thank them kindly, but not start second guessing again. That is not from my Shepherd. He gives peace and if at some point He decides to heal Mike, then He will miraculously do so or He will let me know what to do. I will know it is from Him because it will come with peace and not turmoil. I am His sheep. I know His voice. What a revelation! I can be confident! I can know without a shadow of a doubt!  Thank you, Jesus! 

I share this story with you, in the hopes that as you are approached by well-meaning individuals, that you will pause, seek the Lord in prayer and by reading His word to find out what His will is for you and your loved one. Never feel pressured to do something that disturbs your spirit. If unsure, seek Godly counsel.

TIP: Listen to the Good Shepherd