Trauma Doesn’t Knock

In my experience, trauma doesn’t knock on the door and ask permission to come in. It barges in unaware and catches us off guard and unprepared. It doesn’t matter whether it’s a phone call in the middle of the night, police or military officers at the front door, a sudden illness, or an accident, if permission to invade our lives had been requested we would have said a resounding “No!” Trauma is not something we put on our calendars or wish lists. Yet, it arrives anyway.

Trauma came to my husband and me over four years ago in the form of an accident that left him with disabling traumatic brain injury. I was not involved in the accident, but trauma came to me in a different form and wasn’t full blown until months later. Google defines trauma as “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience”. Our entire way of life changed in an instant. I was not prepared.

As his caregiver, I muddled my way through the unfamiliar road of tragedy with wonderful support from family, friends, and our church families.  My greatest source of strength was and is the Lord Jesus Christ. I am absolutely certain that I would have had a nervous breakdown had it not been for my Savior carrying me through those extremely trying days, months, and years.

I’ve learned a lot in the past 4 years and am still learning, but have jotted down a few ideas that either did help me or would have helped me during that time. I share them now with you in the hopes that if you find yourself face to face with an unexpected trauma, you will be more prepared than I was when it disrupted our lives.

When trauma hits:

1.  The most important advice I can give is to cry out to God for help first. If you do not know Jesus, I suggest that you locate a Bible and be open to hearing what He has to say to you. The book of John is a good place to start. I know for a fact that His promises are true for He has strengthened me and been with me no matter what has happened. Joshua 1:9 “Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

2.  Call family and friends. Allow them to help you, to drive you to and from the hospital, buy you lunch, maybe you have children, elderly parents, or pets that they can assist in some way. Lots of people want to help, but don’t know how unless you tell them. Whatever you need – don’t be afraid to ask.

3. Get a notebook (or 2) with different sections and start writing down the following items as soon as possible. Try to enter information daily. Date each entry. Continue even after you go home. I wish I had.

Ø People – Write the names of nurses, doctors, therapists, CNAs, Med techs, receptionists, EMTs, law officers, case workers, insurance reps, visitors, maintenance & housekeeping personnel, etc. Ask for business cards. It may be a long haul and getting to know those working in the hospital makes life more pleasant for all. (They will likely become your bright spots.)

Ø Medication – Make columns as follows: Date, prescribing doctor, name of medication, what it’s for, dosage (mg & frequency), date started, date stopped.

Ø  Questions – Jot down questions to ask the doctor, nurse, therapists, etc. before you forget so that you are ready when they pass through. If you want to see x-rays, MRIs, CT scans, ask. Have them explained. There is no dumb question. (In my experience, it was the nurses who were the greatest source of information. They really knew what was going on with my husband - get to know them, show interest in them and be grateful for all they do. Kindness goes a long way.)

Ø  Journal – Record brief highlights of the day both for the patient and the caregiver. How are you/they doing physically? Spiritually? Emotionally? What are each of you feeling? What progress was made? What joy?

Ø  To-do list – List things to do on the way home from the hospital, things that need to be done at home or at church, make a grocery list, include items needed for your loved one and yourself. Who do you need to call? Also list things for you to do to unwind and relax (i.e. read, nap, garden, watch a movie, walk, long soak in a warm bubble bath, lunch with a friend, etc.)

Same notebook or make a second one:

v Scripture - Read a Bible verse or several every day. Make a note of something that encouraged or challenged you.

v Thankfulness – Find at least one thing to be thankful for every day.

v Prayer – Have a section for your own requests, one for your loved one (the patient), and one for others. You’ll meet lots of hurting people. Praying for others lightens the weight of our own trauma and pain.

v Food, Drink & Exercise – This might surprise you, but it’s important. Ask yourself if you (& the patient, if possible) have drunk enough water. What did you eat today? Be sensible. In order to be a strong caregiver, you must eat well and stay hydrated, plus walk around as you are able. My husband was on the 6^th floor for a while so at least once a day I walked up and down the 100+ steps up to his room. Good cardio.

4.   Set up a blog or CaringBridge site – If this sounds like too much, just set up a group email list or ask a friend to create one of the above for you. Come up with some way to keep family and friends informed so that you do not have to repeat yourself umpteen times. There will always be a few people that you’ll want to share with personally, but it can be exhausting to relay the same information over and over and over. The added benefit is that you will have a record of the major events during this time. A friend set up CaringBridge for me the second day we were in the hospital. About nine months later I switched to a blog. If you are sitting in the hospital for long hours, bring your laptop or tablet, it is a good way to pass the time and keep others informed.

No one wants to go through a traumatic event. No one. However the reality is that lots of us do. I hope these suggestions will prove beneficial if you find yourself invaded by trauma. My desire is to use our experience to help others. How can I help you?

Tip: Remember - You don't have to be alone. God's invitation is awaiting a response. 

Reluctant to Leave

Psalm 23:1-3

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.

He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
    for his name’s sake.

This past May, I had the immense pleasure of going to a Christian writers conference, plus spending a couple of days all by myself at my sister’s home which is like a mountain get-away, a retreat, a sanctuary. The calmness, quietness, peace, stillness, beauty of nature, sounds of birds, and the wind in the trees were a soothing balm to my soul. I was able to sing aloud in praise to God while standing on the deck overlooking the green/blue mountain ranges in the distance. I studied God’s word while sitting in a comfy rocking chair on the front porch which overlooks colorful flowers and a rich array of greens on the trees. When I needed a break, an invigorating walk down and slowly back up the mountain was just what I needed to energize my mind and body. What a joy to see the wild flowers along the road which gave me a chance to stop, admire, and catch my breath.

Mountain top escapes are wonderful and absolutely necessary at certain times in our lives. From this vantage point, we can see a bigger picture, refresh our mind, body and spirit, hear from God and prepare to return to the valley. I was reluctant to leave that place of sanctuary and peace, yet the work that God has for me to do was waiting. Instead of dragging my feet and wanting to hold on to that experience, I had to turn my thoughts to gratefulness for the hours I had there, to thankfulness that I had meaningful duties to return to, and to awareness that I could leave with a stronger sense of God’s presence with me. I returned with my armor repaired and polished to do battle in the world of busyness and constant vigilance, a world with many demands from different sources. I’ll take what I learned and hope to be a blessing to those I encounter, remembering that I am the only one who can fulfill what God has called me to do. I will strive to pour myself out more fully now that I have been refilled myself, desiring that my life reflect Jesus in all I say, write, and do,

Every tank becomes empty at some point and cannot continue without a fill-up. Even Jesus had times when he removed himself from the crowds and responsibilities and retreated to a quiet place. In Mark 1:35 we read that Jesus rose early in the morning and “went off to a solitary place, where he prayed.” The connection to our heavenly Father is of vital importance in keeping our tank full. Luke 5:16 says that Jesus “often withdrew to lonely places and prayed”.

As a caregiver, it is hard not to feel guilty about taking some much-needed time alone to be refilled. However, we must ask for help, accept volunteers, farm out small tasks, and when at all possible, get away. We need some time to sleep when we want, eat what and when we want, dig into God’s word, pray, spend time with friends, laugh, sing, read a book, go to a movie, plant flowers, whatever brings joy and refreshes our souls. 

It's OK, really! We need it and those we care for will benefit from our break as well. They probably need a break from us too. Then when we return, we can let the light of Christ shine from our faces as we embrace and care for our loved ones once again.

Tip: Forget the to-do list. Go for a fill up.

Blessed to be a Caregiver

I am blessed to be a caregiver. OK, it doesn't always feel like a blessing, but feelings are fickle things. One of my passions is being able to help others and the Lord keeps giving me people who need care and who enrich my life.

I believe my caregiving days started way back when I was a child. I grew up in a big farm house with my parents, siblings, and grandmother. I loved spending time with Grandma and would brush her false teeth for her when she took them out at night.  This totally grossed out one of my sisters, but it didn’t bother me in the least. 

I especially enjoy helping the elderly. Yes, it can be tiring when you have to repeat yourself or talk loudly and they may be very set in their ways, but when they tell stories from their childhood, give you a smile or a hug, or blurt out whatever is on their mind, it’s all worth it.

I’ll never forget the day, when I had my own business, that one of my elderly clients met my high-school aged son for the first time. During cross-country season my son had a Mohawk and wore these trendy running shoes that wrapped around each toe individually. My client slowly looked him up and down and solemnly said “You’re right funny looking.” There was a brief pause and then we all burst out laughing!

What I’ve discovered about caregiving is that it’s not all about what we can do physically for the individual, but the relationship we can have with them. Building a sense of camaraderie and friendship helps the slower days of old age or illness pass more pleasantly. We may be the only person they talk with all day or all week. We can give them something different to think (or laugh) about as we share our lives with them. The added benefit is that our own lives are enhanced. 

1 Thessalonians 5:11 (ESV)

Therefore encourage one another and 

build one another up, just as you are doing.

As a caregiver, we are in a unique position to encourage and build people up. We can make them feel important and genuinely loved as we ask about their history and truly listen to them. Even if our client or loved one cannot respond verbally, we can still make a world of difference by treating them with love, respect, and gentleness. 

Caregiving can be an extremely difficult and thankless job, but if God has called you to be a caregiver, He will provide the strength and perseverance needed. If you are like me, your desire is to use the gifts that God has given you in whatever place you find yourself. It could be as a paid caregiver, an adult child taking care of aging parents, or a mom taking care of her small children. Whatever the case, I hope we continually realize the huge impact we have and the differences for good that we can make in the lives of those under our care. We never know when we may be in need of similar care and hope that we’ll be treated the same way. Regardless, we can know that the Lord sees and knows.

Tip: Go! Brighten someone's day.